A Birth Story: Vivian Ruth

Vivian. The name means ‘alive’ or ‘life’ which is exactly what we prayed for during our pregnancy. As I carried our child, my request of God was to hold this child, full of life and vitality, and to welcome him/her with every opportunity and advantage. Ruth means companion/ friend; a vision of beauty. It was also…

Our Rainbow Maternity Session

When these images were captured, we were just shy of 29 weeks; today marks 36. I remember looking at the countdown calculator on my pregnancy app or considering how far away December seemed in the first trimester. Now here we are four weeks, or less, or a bit more, from this life joining our family…

October Awareness

There’s a designated month, week or day for almost everything. October hosts a number including Breast Cancer, Domestic Violence, Chiropractic, Estate Planning, and Adopt A Shelter Pet Awareness… Another honored this month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. For all the personal reasons, this one holds the greatest meaning and consideration. Last year, we…

Pregnancy After Miscarriages

We’ve had support and love and prayers and positive thoughts from so many as we’ve gone through our pregnancy journey. Strangers and acquaintances have extended unexpected kindness; family and friends have shared in our heartache. I’ve connected with people from across the globe, literally, as a result of sharing our experiences. And there have been questions by many who…

The Halfway Point

We’ve hit another milestone and are half way through this pregnancy. It feels really good to be here. Today marks 20 weeks, 1 day. Exactly three weeks past the gestation when we lost James. This pregnancy feels really familiar. I feel much like I did when I was pregnant the first time. Sometimes I have…

Our newest hope

As I walked into the imaging room, I was working to keep my emotions under control. Everything was just below the surface and I felt I would lose it any at moment. “Before we get started, we need to go through some history,” said the imaging technician. I don’t know what I thought that meant…

A Reluctant Anniversary

For the past 17 months, we’ve been trying to get pregnant, pregnant, or recovering from pregnancy loss. It’s somewhat amazing, and certainly heartbreaking, to consider what has transpired over these many months. A year ago on May 23, 2016, our second pregnancy ended 17 weeks in and flipped me upside down. I had back pain…

Aging Guilt

Tomorrow. She’s two years old tomorrow. Birthday #2 has been much harder than the first was for me. This week has been emotional. More than a few tears have been shed and even when I’m composed on the outside, my mama heart is tied up in knots. The countdown this week is a reminder that…

Miscarriage Lessons from the Farm

Yesterday revealed a connection shared by all mothers, regardless of species. After we moved onto the farm and got things prepared for cattle, we purchased our ‘starter kit’: Five mature cows and six calves. In short order, I identified and proclaimed Camille to be our matriarch cow. She was the surest of herself and stood…

Comparing Miscarriage Experiences

I’ve experienced two miscarriages. They were each devastating by their own account but very different experiences. After our first loss, I carried some fear of losing again, but more so, I carried confidence that it would not happen again. We would be spared another such loss. Perhaps I was naive or cocky but I had…

Sharing News Early

The rule is you wait until after the first trimester to share your pregnancy news. After 13 weeks, it is “safe to make the announcement” and accept the congratulations and well-wishes. News Flash! There is no safe zone.

Rememberance

“When a child loses a parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses their partner, they are called a widow. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.” In 1988, President Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. This month recognizes the loss so many…

Pure Grief

It’s funny how when something happens to you personally, especially something that may be unique to you, or for you, you tend to see mentions of it when you wouldn’t expect it. In 1997 my youngest brother was struck by a train. Yes, a moving train. What are the odds, right? That same summer, 17…

Thy Will Be Done

Life resumes without any hesitation. Certainly that is a good thing, but the slightest of a hesitation would be good too, to not feel like I am plowing ahead at full speed without him. There is this pressure—most likely self-inflicted—to act as is if nothing happened. To move on, to be normal. To not bring…

Coming Home—Guilt & Fear

It’s been two weeks since we lost James and today, we finally got to bring him home. We opted to have him cremated. That only took a few days but awaiting his urn and stone/marker took more time.  It was important for us to memorialize him. As we looked through the catalog of options I…

Our Loss of James

Timing. Within hours of going public with our happy baby news we experienced the loss every parent fears. Many may wonder why I would share this or write about it, especially so soon. I write. I enjoy it and it helps—a form of therapy if you will. I also write to recall our experience, to…